Back after a hiatus... with bad news


OCN Guy

OCN Guy

Member
Well, I'm back. I haven't been back since the beginning of February.

The reason was, at first adjusting to the bad news that my wife has cancer, and an extremely aggressive form at that. The chemo costs about $150,000 a year. Insurance covers some of it, but as you can expect, the insurance companies immediately started playing games with "well, that's not covered, etc." Supposedly there's a cap of how much I have to pay, but... we'll see.

I only recently began thinking about the hobby again a couple of weeks ago. At this point, I'm having to scale back most of my plans for the G.R.I.M. Railways, and lots of natural materials and scratch-building almost everything.

So, at this point, if someone can start a sticky thread on "cheapest materials and tips..." that will be greatly appreciated. Since I think my hobby budget will be slim if not non-existent for a very long time.

Also, if any of you have dealt with a spouse having cancer, and can give me any advice on coping, etc... that would be appreciated even more.
 
Welcome back, sorry to hear about the Mrs.
Insurance companies are notorious for pulling that crap, they sure like to get your money tho!:mad:
Google cheap scenery, train scenery, etc. and you'll find lots of info.
Here as well, lots of great tips!
 
OCN Guy said:
Also, if any of you have dealt with a spouse having cancer, and can give me any advice on coping, etc... that would be appreciated even more.
Click to expand...

Hi Guy,

Many people are facing your same situation as the population ages. My wife had cervical cancer and after the operation she was told that it would return agressively and she would die if she did not take radiation and chemotherapy.

But we had seen the horrible side effects from those toxic procedures took on degrading the quality of the lives of our friends, she decided that they were worse than choosing to take the risk not to have either. So she focused instead on a more healthy diet and exercise. It's been over 5 years and she has been completely cancer free.

As far as coping... both my wife and I realize that death is perfectly fair because no one gets out of this world alive, and that one of us will die from something before the other... and so we enjoy our lives now.

Greg
 
Very sorry to hear about the wife. Tooter has given some great advice. The thing I would add is to focus your energy on the things you can control. At this point it's what you do going forward that will make the difference. Be there for each other. The very best of luck.
 
Bummer. About three years ago our family began the fights against cancer. My mother had in order stomach cancer, skin cancer, and breast cancer. Right before her breast cancer my father had a very serious operation for an anurism<sp?>, then I had a double hernia. I called it the year of the hosptial. Just as we thought we were done, my wife gets ovarian cancer, and the real year of the hospital began. It began with a surgery that ended up being much worse than they had originally anticipated (6 hours worth), then the chemos began. Unlike your situation I had no problem with our insurance company. They covered everything. The co-pays were draining on the finances, but nothing like if we would have had to pay. We finally hit the "limit" and didn't have to pay anything after that.

Got through the first round and the cancer seemed to be gone. She got into a clinical trial for future prevention. The treatements left her tired and listless. She felt so bad she bailed after a year. That was a little over a year ago. Her hair was actually starting to grow back, and Wham the latest tests show the cancer is back. This time in her lymphatic system. So her first chemo is next Monday. They are going to use a different type as they think more of the prior type could possibly be worse than the cancer.

Coping, still don't know that I ever did well. I just considered everything that HAD to be done, did the most important first, and worked down the list. I actually learned that many things we did regularly were really unessential and just time killers. I did end up staying up later every night and getting up earlier. At first it seemed like a real grind but I eventually got used to it. This time it won't be so bad as I have just been laid off from work, so I can actually be Mr. Mom.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Very sorry to learn of your troubles. They can get you down, particularly the not-knowing part.

A couple of pointers, if I may:

It's about your wife, not you.

It's about you, too....you're part of the 'system' in your marriage. Get out for regular exercise, no matter how hard it is to go out the door. Just do it. Exercise helps to break down the byproducts of the stress response, and that is what grinds you down over time...the elevated levels of sterols in your blood reduce your immune response, sap your energy, affect your tolerance for uncertainty (make you bitchy), and affect your sleep. Get out!!

Ask your local hospice if they have a support group, or just google, "Help my wife has cancer" and look for forums like this one, or local support groups may pop up that way.

Have hope, but always be real. Realistic, and ready. Prepare a list of important things that should be in place or done before too long, and start striking them out. The more control and preparation you do, being realistic, the better for you. It will also be better for her if it looks like she is going to lose. When a person is dying, and knows it, their thoughts no longer center around themselves. They become desparate, if they are mature and have any character, to ensure others around them are not fretting, anxious, letting things go, and so on. Her anxiety will only be that much worse if she thinks you are not coping well. Does she need any more anxiety at the moment? Do you? The grown-up thing now (I hope I am not lecturing harshly) is to retain a grip on realism, pragmatism, an uncertain future, and hope. Included in all of those is looking after the both of you in a sensible way that has not been a factor before today. More will be expected of you. It's what was in the marriage contract. Your wife would do the same for you.

If you have to rage against the Fates, don't do it bedside. Drive out into a distant field and let 'er rip. Get it out of your system, wipe your face, and return to do the things you know you must.

Living, especially late in life, is not for wusses. They should move on.

If you haven't examined your own life, it might be time to start. If you haven't prayed much, it couldn't hurt.

Lastly, you're okay, and you're It. Best show the world how much of a gentleman husband you are. :)

Good luck to both of you.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
OCN Guy said:
Also, if any of you have dealt with a spouse having cancer, and can give me any advice on coping, etc... that would be appreciated even more.
Click to expand...

1st off,let me say how sorry that I am to hear about your wife. Having been there myself, I know what specter the C word brings.
However there is support out there, and you are not alone. Heed well the words Crandall has laid out, cuz he's right.
And don't be afraid to talk about it. I've met more people in the same or similar boats in the last 4 years than I can count. It has helped.

Now, 4 years since the surgeries and treatments, she's cancer free and our relationship couldn't be stronger. In many ways, it strengthened us. My wish is the same for you.:)
 
Not much to add what has been said previously. My wife is getting close to the 5-year remission from her second occurance from breast surgery.

I don't know if you have any children, but if they are old enough, keep them well informed.

That chemo is a biotch and she will need all the support that you can give her. And yes, there are times that you will need to go outside and let loose.

Your hospital may have some local support groups available. You are not alone in this.

We got real lucky in that my insurance paid every dime. Question every denial they may make and if needed, always go to the local claim manager, if not higher. Hopefully you have a copy of the policy to read and reread. And ya I know, at times reading the US tax code is easier.

I truely hope it all works out well for you both.
 
I have been though this also with my wife Carolyn. She was diagnosed with Brest Cancer in 93. Had surgery and chemo then Temoxifan for several years after that. In Dec 2000 the cancer was found in her bones. She battled with it for almost a year when she finally went home to the lord in Nov. I was holding her in my arms when she passed.
As said in a previous post, this is about your wife. She needs you for the support, to get to and from appointments, to housecleaning, shopping or just being there in the silence of thought. This is were your vows are put to the test and you as a man are pressed into hard service. Honor her with all your heart, in all ways, no matter how grim things may look, she still needs that assurance that you are doing well. Talk with her about what she expects of you if she should not survive. It's a tough conversation to start but you will need that, trust me, you will need to have that conversation.
 
thank you all for your help and support. I'm sorry that so many of you have been in the same boat yourselves, or have had cancer yourselves.
All of you have good advice, which I appreciate. And I appreciate the moderators not saying "hey, off topic..."
Tooter, wish we could have your success. We started out that way, eating healthy and lots of exercise. But glad it worked for you!
D&J & Selector, thanks for your input.
oldguy, KB & Iron, Ryb & Rico, thanks for the support.

i'll probably start a blog on "railroading on a dime" so that people will be able to take advantage of all the info I'm getting from this forum, trainweb, and other places that I've been compiling info from.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.



Back
Top